we're blogging at a bar
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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