i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
