I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
