He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
