you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
