he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
