Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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