I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
