Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
