Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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