I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
