and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
