I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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