Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
