My liver just broke up with me...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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