Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
