Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
