Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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