woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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