I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
