On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just cut my nipple shaving
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
