Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
