My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
