saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
