Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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