I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
