There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
