Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
