We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Watching her eat just hurts me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
