so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
