i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
