Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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