dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
