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you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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