If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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