I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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