Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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