i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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