I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
