I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
