i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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