I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
