You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
