she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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