I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
