dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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