I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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