The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
