I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
