pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
