we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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