Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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