Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
