I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
