You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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