boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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