You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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