The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
