susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
