not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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