If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
