I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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