I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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