Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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