i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
